I know so many people who would describe me as fearless and independant, and up until two minutes ago i would have agreed with them. Even now as I sit here and type these words I feel I am distracting myself from myself trying desperatly to connect with you. I was really trying to sit there on my couch and do nothing but drink my sweet rose tea and be with me, but here I am typing trying to find a friend instead on this blank screen.
I was thinking to myself how easy it is to think one is fearlessly independant when you are in comfortable surroundings, your work is steady, your friends are right there to pick you up , your family is a phone call away, you know what your doing and when your going to do it, how your going to get there and what you might expect on the journey, its so easy. What happens when you take all that security away and you are, "alone"? What is this feeling of "alone" anyway?
I am in a era of my life where I am craving connection, lets be honest aren't we all? Im craving it so bad it hurts, literally it is painful. Im craving the deepest form of love you can imagine and then go beyond that and there is still more craving, I dont even crave ice cream this much! Yet here I am fearfully independant,scared to sit for two minutes without distraction on my couch with a magical cup of sweet rose. What am i scared of? you might be asking. Have you tried to sit somewhere unknown to you, without the tv on, your computer in front of you, your phone, without a book or music...just you? If you are a disiplined medititator than you most likely have and I salute you, I am not, although I do think it is in my best interest. I have found myself crying myself to sleep every night because how "alone" i feel. I have found myself trying to force interactions so I might be seen and heard. I have found myself in India, during the the celebartion of the divine feminine on my period, feeling so much. I am not fearlessly independant. I am frightened to death of being abanded and forgotten. I so often tell people when they first meet me that they will never forget me ,thats how scared I am of vanishing. For those of you reading this that may come as a shock to you, for those of you who really know me it probably wont or it may, I dont know.
Now, the above story or situation is not to invoke some sort of poor Hannah domino effect, but merely to put into perspective the next chapter of this post. I can not have a flip side without first reckonizing the painful of experience of being "alone". If you are a detailed reader you might have noticed everytime I used the word "alone", i used quotations. Why? We are never "alone", we are somebody therefore it is impossible for one to be "alone." Being in a different place, with different people, feeling all these emotions, and the energy of connection soaring through my blood, i have realized this is why I am here. This is my challenge that i gave myself when i chose this body, my family, my loves, my career, this my purpose. If I can get over the reactionary emotion of feeling "alone" and instead settle into a sort of oneness with me, I will be capable of so much more. I will not only be able to give my love away but I will be able to accept it and see it when it comes a knocking. Fearlessly I step into the challange of learning the true meaning of independance.
To draw conclusion to what may already be confusing to my readers as a good friend told me last night...
"Slow down smile, love yourself and express it by slowing down and allowing yourself to feel yourself. Just sensation." Dawnie